Learning to Let Go

Most of my life I have noticed how there has been an inner voice, a calling to the quiet deep forest of thought and breath.  There was only one thing that I wanted for my 15th birthday and that was the money to take a Transcendental Meditation Course.  My parents did not understand this at first, thinking so many different things, "Is he doing drugs?!"  "Is this code for something else?"  "Is this devil worship!?"  I raised the money and I took the training.... and then actually sat twice a day, every day!

They were only too happy to see the changes in me as I entered into daily meditation, centering my teenage anxieties and calming my moods - even my skin seemed to clear up!  Soon they were saying things to me like "Oh please just go meditate!" 

Even earlier in my life I heard family members saying how I was going to be a priest or some sort of monastic because of my calm nature or some other quirky thing they saw in my behavior, that to them meant a path of spiritual pursuit.  They were not too far off the mark.  It took me most of my life to this point to realize that my happiness has always been connected to the inner journey.  I spent my first many years chasing psychology and therapy-based techniques as I wanted to work with people in need.  First was my training and Certification in Co-Active Coaching, then I spent a year studying Gestalt Therapy Techniques, then I trained and became a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and then took the plunge to go back to school to get my Masters in Psychology and then graduating in April 2010 with my Doctorate in Clinical Psychology.  A lot of training.  A lot of internships.  A lot of time. And through it all, I was never truly content, never really happy with my overall path.  Sure, I liked the tools, the theory, the mental challenges, but the road I was searching always left me feeling, well, unfulfilled.

Throughout my life and all through my various trainings, I would dip a toe into spiritual waters, studying many religions and belief systems along the way.  Only running back to the disciplined teachings of science and taking with me an unhappy demeanor.  I rationalized that my moodiness was because of school, internships, having no time while juggling papers, research and dissertation time... Once I graduated with my doctorate, I realized I had a wall of papers, all in their little frames, a massive financial aid debt and almost no desire to be a Psychologist.  What I wanted in my heart (not my head) was the one thing that for 27 years had stayed a constant amid all the changes in my educational life - my meditations. 

With this realization and a lot of help from my partner, I took the plunge and said the words that were waiting to be said aloud, by me, since I was a child.  "My calling is to be a Buddhist on a monastic path."  This was on a Sunday afternoon.  On Monday morning there was an email from Tricycle Magazine (a Buddhist magazine I subscribe to) with a link to an event in Long Beach in May with the Dali Lama offering a rare initiation ceremony.  So I followed the link, filled out the forms and received an email inviting me to attend, to take the vows!  I was swimming now, moving through the currents and feeling more excited than I had at any point in all of my scholarly trainings! 

With this path comes more schooling - but schooling that will not only allow me to study in the ancient ways of the Tibetan Buddhists towards the enlightenment of all beings everywhere, but to learn another way to work with people who are struggling and asking for help.  From compassion, coupled with my other trainings, I hope to teach Eastern philosophy and the Dharma (the teachings of the Buddhist traditions).  Of course a teacher and friend likes to remind me, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."  So we shall see what my path will be.  What I can say with only a week and a half into this adventure, is that I am filled with more peace and happiness than I have felt in a very, very, long time. 

On this path as a Buddhist student, I have a lot of studying to do before the May vows in front of His Holiness the 14th Dali Lama.  So I am learning to let go.  I am learning to be humble and to take what is offered and to be in the moment, even when it feels scary.  In the Pali tradition of Dana, which means generosity, I have created a wish list from Amazon.com of the books that I am to study before my initiation in May and ask that if you have the means to spare a few dollars and would like to help me on my path of learning, please feel free to click on the links and choose a book.  Most are for the Kindle and are inexpensive, but together are more than I can currently afford.  Buddhist teachers have been teaching through the tradition of Dana for more than a thousand years, where those who learn from them or wish to simply support their path, whether with food offerings, clothing or money, made offerings of Dana.

Thank you for your energies and well wishes. Be good to yourselves and live for your own true calling in love and compassion.

Namaste.